I'm sick to my stomach

Well it's been a couple of days and not one single person has viewed my blog so I guess it's safe to type whatever I want and not feel that my privacy might be invaded.

I had a minor breakdown this morning. I'm a nursing student, I have been going to school for close to 3 years now and will complete the program in November. I'm in the final stretch. But I'm physically exhausted, sick and I think I have either an intestinal blockage or rupture of some sort. I'm running a low grade fever and just feel like shit. Maybe it's something serious like peritonitis, that would be good. I think it's probably just constipation though. Regardless, I'm feeling sick, and I failed one of my clinical last week. During my training, in addition to class room instruction and testing you must pass, each week you spend 12 hours at the hospital caring for patients (two patients at this point). You have to pass each week to continue on with the program. You are allowed a single clinical week failure, a second week failure puts you out of the program. So now I'm living on the edge, and I don't like it. I woke up this morning, after waking up every hour, feeling panicked. I broke down and was ready to "quit the program".

I would have too, but my sister talked me out of it. I can always depend on her to help me through a crisis. And this was a definite crisis. I can only remember two other times when I felt like this, when I came out to my parents and when I first moved away from California. Total panic. I hate losing control. My sister told me that I rarely fail at anything I attempt so I don't have the ability to deal with failures when they come my way, I guess I don't have the practice at it. I just know I was scared. Like a little boy who can't find his Mom kind of scared. It was a very base emotion, I hated it. I'm better this afternoon and I'm going to take a nap. I did go to my clinical today and stuck it out for the 6 hours, I have 6 more tomorrow then a few more weeks until I'm done. Please God, let me make it through this, I really need to complete this training, I've given up a different, well paying job after 13 years to make this change. Please let me be able to complete it.